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Ought-eight has almost passed us by as we trudge onward toward the end of another decade of human history. And what a jacked-up year it’s been! With the knowledge that those who do not remember the past are doomed to repeat it, we offer up the 2008 Year in Review, complete with Cliff Note interpretations of events, so you don’t have to tune into talk radio or cable news to decide what to think.

January

2^nd – Oil Tops $100 per Barrel for First Time

Rising demand from developing nations and the endless war threats by our Oil-Man-in-Chief against OPEC nations like Iran and Venezuela send oil prices into previously unexplored territory. Puff Daddy immediately announces he’ll be selling his fleet of Hummers in exchange for a fleet of tiny tots tricycles.

24^th – Iraq Adopts New Flag

The Iraqi Puppet Government…err…I mean duly elected Parliament, issues a decree to adopt a new national flag – one that’s devoid of the three stars traditionally representing the U.S.-banned Ba’ath Party. Now, as in the U.S., the Iraqis are free from any threat of “undesirable” political parties gaining power in a fair and representative political system. Viva la occupacion!

January Deaths:

John Stewart, 68, American musician (The Kingston Trio).

Bobby Fischer, 64, American-Icelandic chess champion.

Heath Ledger, 28, Australian actor (Brokeback Mountain, Batman: The Dark Knight).

February

5^th and 6^th – Tornadoes Erupt on Super Tuesday

Just as many people in several states are preparing to vote in Super Tuesday primary elections, a deadly outbreak of tornadoes occurs causing some polls to close early. Immediately, both major political parties put their best and brightest think tanks to the task of figuring out how to manipulate weather to their advantage in future elections.

19^th – Fidel Castro Steps Down

Under increasing scrutiny due to failing health and old age, Fidel Castro, the world’s longest-running living leader, announces his resignation as President of Cuba. Castro has been Cuba’s leader since the revolution of 1958-59. Strangely, very little is said about this major world event on American TV News and many cigar and fruit aficionados quietly wonder if this will end the nearly 46-year-long U.S. trade embargo. Bootleggers of Cuban goods immediately launch a covert lobbying campaign to keep the embargo in place.

February Deaths:

Mike Smith, 64, British rock and roll singer and keyboardist (The Dave Clark Five).

March

9^th – Europeans Launch Unmanned Transfer Vehicle

The European Space Agency launches the first unmanned transfer vehicle to bring supplies to the International Space Station. The space agency, which was created in the 1970s after the big U.S./Soviet space race, plans to play catch-up by filming its very own fake moon landing in the near future.

19^th – The Sun Explodes…

Fortunately it was someone else’s. Normally this wouldn’t be big news because stars explode somewhere in the Universe all the time, but this particular star happened to be so far away (about 7.5 billion light-years, or halfway across the known Universe), it was the farthest recorded object ever viewable with the naked human eye. Just to be sure, a scientist tried putting clothes on his naked eye and made the startling discovery he couldn’t see sh*t.

March Deaths:

Jeff Healey, 41, Canadian guitarist and vocalist.

Bill Bolick, 90, American country music performer (The Blue Sky Boys).

Daniel MacMaster, 39, Canadian rock vocalist (Bonham).

Ola Brunkert, 61, Swedish session drummer (ABBA).

Sir Arthur C. Clarke, 90, Sri Lankan/British science fiction author (2001: A Space Odyssey).

April

22^nd – Surgeons Help Blind to See

Surgeons at London’s Moorfields Eye Hospital install the first bionic eyes in patients. The patients were fitted with special glasses that attached to the retina and introduced visual stimuli like light and dark. The experimental surgery was carried out on two patients who took one look at the state of the world and promptly asked to be blind again.

April Deaths:

Charlton Heston, 84, American Academy Award–winning actor (Ben-Hur, Ten Commandments), gun rights activist.

Clifford Davies, 59, American musician, drummer (Ted Nugent).

Danny Federici, 58, American keyboardist (Bruce Springsteen).

Edward Lorenz, 90, American mathematician, meteorologist, pioneer of chaos theory.

Albert Hofmann, 102, Swiss researcher, chemist, discoverer of LSD.

May

3^rd – Catastrophe in Burma/Myanmar

On the eve of a constitutional resolution ensuring a democratic future for this Asian country, 146,000 are killed, by some estimates, when Cyclone Nargis slams into the its coast. It is the worst natural disaster in Burmese/Myanmar history. President Bush and other western leaders’ offers of aid are initially refused by Myanmar’s military leadership, who are afraid that their entire country will either end up looking something like the U.S. Gulf Coast still looks today, or will be crawling with CIA and MI6 agents disguised as “aid workers.” One thing about military dictators, though brutal, they are scarcely stupid.

25^th – Destination: Mars

NASA puts another unmanned vehicle on Mars, this time to study the Martian icecaps. NASA failed to reveal whether the probe found further evidence of icecap melting on Mars, as has been seen in other studies since 2005, suggesting that solar irradiance, not anthropogenic factors, is largely responsible for global warming throughout the solar system. They did, however, say they got some great shots of what appears to be a Martian Abominable Snowman…burnt into a breakfast waffle, that is. The eBay sale of said waffle will make up 60% of the funding of the next mission.

May Deaths:

Dottie Rambo, 74, American gospel singer.

Utah Phillips, 73, American folk singer and political activist.

Dick Martin, 86, American comedian (Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In).

Sydney Pollack, 73, American actor and film director (The Way We Were, Out of Africa).

Earle Hagen, 88, American theme composer (“Andy Griffith Show Theme”).

June

27^th – Bill Gates Goes “Soft”

After 30 years as Chairman of Microsoft, the world’s richest man, Bill Gates, decides he’ll leave the writing of buggy software to someone else and concentrate on the 1000-year task of giving away his GDP-sized fortune to a tax haven…err…charity he created called “The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation” dedicated to the cause of eradicating death and suffering from the face of planet earth – an ambitious endeavor, to say the least. He would later soften his language in this area after realizing that’s what Nazi eugenicists were also trying to do.

June Deaths:

Bo Diddley, 79, American rock and roll and blues singer, songwriter, guitarist.

Tim Russert, 58, American journalist and television host (Meet the Press).

George Carlin, 71, American comedian and actor.

July

25-26^th – Series of Bombs Kills 47 and injures 180 in India

27^th – 17 Killed and 154 Wounded in Istanbul Bombings

28^th – 48 Die and 287 Injured in Bombings in Baghdad and Kirkuk

30^th –The Sun Reports Britney Spears is Sleeping With Her Bodyguard!

July Deaths:

Jesse Helms, 86, American politician, senator.

Tony Snow, 53, American White House press secretary.

Gerald Wiggins, 86, American jazz pianist.

August

 8-24^th – Summer Olympics Kick Off in Beijing

The Highlights: China pretty much kicks everyone’s butts in overall medals, while their “women’s” gymnastics team, i.e. spermatozoa in gym suits, tumble their way to “premature” victory. American swimmer, Michael Phelps, wins a record 8 gold medals. One race is so close they have to test the underwater capabilities of an electron microscope to determine the winner. Unfortunately, it got distracted by his superhuman abs and was of little use to judges.

August Deaths:

Skip Caray, 68, American broadcaster (Atlanta Braves/Atlanta Hawks).

Bernie Mac, 50, American comedian and actor (The Bernie Mac Show, Bad Santa).

Isaac Hayes, 65, American soul and funk musician (“Theme from Shaft”), actor (South Park).

Don Helms, 81, American steel guitarist (Hank Williams).

Jerry Wexler, 91, American record producer, Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductee.

Greg Moore, 60, American guitarist (Frank Sinatra), teacher, producer (Bob Dylan).

Jerry Reed, 71, American country music singer and actor (Smokey and the Bandit).

September

7^th – Fannie and Freddie Get Rescued

Super Government steps in and saves the day by rescuing Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac from the evil clutches of archenemies Poetic Justice and Market Force. Innocent Taxpayer and Free Market are accidentally killed in the melee.

15^th – Lehman Brothers Belly Flops

15^th – Merrill Lynch Sold to Bank of America

16^th – AIG Gets “Insured” By Uncle Sam

18^th–19^th  – Federal Reserve Injects $105 Billion Into Economy

25^th – WaMu goes into Receivership

29^th – Bailout Fails House as Wall Street Takes Nosedive

30^th – Amish Use Zombies for Manual Labor

Know what… Pay no attention to the rest of September. All you really need to know is that on this date, the Weekly World News reports that Amish have begun using Zombies in place of beasts of burden. What more do I have to say?

September Deaths:

Richard Wright, 65, British keyboardist (Pink Floyd) and songwriter.

Norman Whitfield, 68, American songwriter (“I Heard It Through the Grapevine”) and record producer.

Paul Newman, 83, American actor and philanthropist.

Henry Adler, 93, American drummer, teacher (Buddy Rich).

October

9^th – Iceland Bankrupt

Iceland’s top three banks are nationalized in the wake of a severe currency crisis. Icelandic pop sensation Bjork announces she will help her home country by throwing a “bene-fit.” The satellite pay-per-view broadcast is seen by millions of agoraphobic, leprous, albino, half-monkey Bjork fans, and the country is miraculously saved.

October Deaths:

Nick Reynolds, 75, American folk musician (The Kingston Trio).

Neal Hefti, 85, American composer (“Batman Theme,” “The Odd Couple Theme”).

November

4^th – Meet the New Boss, Same as the Old Boss

Barack Obama becomes the 44^th president of the United States marking a milestone – the first African American President of the United States. Commentators refer to him as the JFK of the new century and hope he will lead us out of the “depression” we have dug ourselves into. I don’t know about anyone else, but I didn’t see anyone giving up DVR, Starbucks or the monster trucks that moms need to cart around their two-and-a-half children. Of course, these things ARE necessities…

November Deaths:

Michael Crichton, 66, American author and producer (Jurassic Park/ER).

Mitch Mitchell, 61, American drummer (The Jimi Hendrix Experience).

December

Who knows what sort of apocalyptic events or colossal f-ups await us in the final month of 2008, but one thing is certain, not many of us will miss this crustaceous turd of a year. Good riddance, I say! The only salvageable thing about it was the Amish Zombies. Let’s shove one in a time capsule and let the rest fall into the memory hole.

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