July 1st

Ice Age:  Dawn of the Dinosaurs (Fox)

While I think it’s slightly rude to cast Queen Latifah as the voice of a woolly mammoth, I am sure glad Fox Studios did. She is just one of many Hollywood A-listers lending their weight to what has become my favorite animated film franchise. In this, the third installment, all those A-listers (Latifah, Romano, Leguizamo, Leary) have returned for the Dawn of the Dinosaurs, which gets cooking when Sid the Sloth falls into an underground world where dinosaurs have been dwelling unnoticed. Oh! So, they’re not extinct? Oh! So, they didn’t really die inhaling the fumes from their own poop! This is awesome! Sign me up! Who knew? 

 

July 10th

Bruno (Universal)

He’s here! He’s queer! Get used to it! Comic genius Sacha Baron Cohen is back! After splitting sides in Borat, Cohen is rolling out an even zanier character! Yes. Behold Bruno, the flamboyantly gay Austrian fashion reporter who swooped into the MTV Music Awards and went “cheek-to-cheek” with Eminem!  Borat worked best when Cohen’s alter-ego was taken seriously by people who didn’t know any better. I was a huge fan of Borat and Bruno when they made rounds on Da Ali G Show. Bruno was routinely the funnier of the two because he was frequently the impetus of major culture clash! Rumors are swirling that such clashes in this film involve Paula Abdul, a Bingo caller and more.  This won’t be for everyone, but I personally cannot wait! Bring on the hot pants!

 

July 15th

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (Warner Brothers)

I have seen Harry Potter’s penis. No, really! I have. I saw it in New York. As you all may or may not have heard, Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe tried to broaden his horizons this season by starring as a deranged loony bird in a revival of Equus, a play about a teenager who takes an ice pick to a stable full of horses and stabs out their eyes! While he was passable on Broadway, it didn’t take long to realize that Radcliffe’s claim to fame is and will always be the Potter franchise. Can you believe it? Half-Blood Prince is the sixth installment! The good news for us . . . Harry Potter is getting better with age!  Making this project even more exciting is the fact that Half-Blood Prince promises to teach us more about Harry’s archrival, Voldemort (played ingeniously by Ralph Fiennes).  Make no mistake, peeps. Harry Potter is magic.  

 

July 24th

G-Force (Buena Vista)

The United States government has a new elite team of spies! And they are all gerbils!  Guinea pigs!  (Insert reflective pause and cleansing exhale here). Hmmm. So many jokes. Not enough paper!

 

July 24th

The Orphan (Warner Brothers)

Vera Farmiga (Boy in the Striped Pajamas) and Peter Sarsgaard (Kinsey, Garden State) play a wealthy couple who decide they want to be parents and adopt a young Eastern European girl. It’s a sweet gesture until they realize the girl is the spawn of hell! For me, it’s movies like this that reinforce my decision to go through life childless. Angelina Jolie can adopt hundreds of babies and all will grow up without incident. If I did it just once, I would no doubt get saddled with this crazy European with sixes on her scalp and visions of burning sugarplums dancing in her head. I’m happy with my schnauzers, thank you!

(and I’m happy with The Omen, Damien and the uber-awesome Gregory Peck – ed).