July 7th

Knowing (Summit Entertainment)

Director Alex Proyas’ (I, Robot) new thriller is a prime example of how less is often times more. The premise of Knowing, that an unearthed time capsule contains a series of numbers that predict, to the date, major world catastrophes, is inspired. In fact, that premise is all we need for this film to work. But, screenwriters Ryne Douglas Pearson and Juliet Snowden just keep layering it on like Paula Deen frosting a big old cake, ya’ll.  They add these stupid whisper people, some aliens, and a bizarre Adam-and-Eve-like ending that suggests that the world will be repopulated by rabbits and incest. It sounds weird because it is weird and I’d be lying if said I didn’t laugh aloud.  GRADE:  C

 

July 7th

Push (Summit Entertainment)

If you’re a big Hollywood studio executive and you have a movie like Push in your hands, you have two choices. You can release it straight to video because no one’s going to care. Or, you roll it out to theatres in the month of February because no one’s going to care. Chris Evans (Fantastic Four, Cellular) and Dakota Fanning (who’s in everything) star as two young Americans on the run in Hong Kong. Each has a special supernatural gift. Fanning’s “Cassie” is a Watcher. No, not a Wheel Watcher. She doesn’t have a Pat Sajak fetish! She’s a Watcher. She can see bits and pieces of the future. Evans’ “Nick” is a Pusher. He’s able to manipulate matter with his mind. Both are on the run from a government agency known as Division, which is made up of other Watchers, Pushers, Bleeders, Shifters, Wipers, Shadows, etc. Now, before I unveil my assessment of Push, I would like you to test your own powers of clairvoyance and try to predict what letter grade I will assign to it. Concentrate. It’s very important that you clear your mind and focus intently on my thought processes. I am inviting you to get inside my head. Try to feel what I feel. Try to think what I think. Push. Push. And, now, the reveal . . . GRADE:  D  **If you guessed any higher than a C-, your psychic powers blow! You are not a Watcher. You are not a Pusher. You suck.

 

July 14th

The Haunting in Connecticut (Lionsgate)

Virginia Madsen (of the stellar Sideways and whole bunch of crap) stars as Sara Campbell, a mother whose teenaged son is dying from a very aggressive form of cancer, for which the only treatment is experimental and out of town. Because Sara decides Matt isn’t strong enough to keep making the drive to and from treatment, she rents a house (in Connecticut!) that just so happens to have been a former mortuary still haunted by the spirits of people embalmed there. Gosh! When I look for rental I basically just need a washer/dryer! While Haunting isn’t a hit, it’s not a total miss either. Honestly, my biggest problem with the movie is cancer. The movie will have you believe that Matt is made even more ill by the haunted house. But, he was already gravely ill before they ever moved in. This movie would have worked better if Matt had been a perfectly healthy teen living in that house. If the spirits had truly compromised his health, that would have been scary! That would have been a Haunting in Connecticut! GRADE:  C  

 

July 21st

Coraline (Focus Features)

This is a complete freak show. Think Cirque de Soleil with dolls. Freak show! Acid trip!  Whitney Houston hallucination! This is BIZARRE and it was released in 3D, which means you could reach out and touch the crazy! Based on Neil Gaiman’s book of the same name and adapted for the big screen and directed by Henry Selick (The Nightmare Before Christmas, James and the Giant Peach), Coraline tells the story of a young girl who is fed up with her life at home. In her frustration and boredom, she discovers a portal to a more idealized version of that home. Mom and Dad are still there, but they’re perfect! In fact, everything’s perfect! Too perfect. And how do you know everyone’s perfect? Because everyone has buttons for eyes. Think The Stepford Wives meets Frosty The Snowman. Look! I don’t know who this movie was made for. I can’t imagine a child sitting it through it without being scarred for life. I sat through and I think I’m scarred for life. In fact, this gave me more scars than the time I fell down the stairs of my loft completely naked. This is some freaky #$@^! GRADE:  C- (it’s for people who need to add to movies such as The Wall and Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas to watch while recreationalizing… -- ed).