Open Season on the Greens: How to Keep their Keepers Happy

By now the golfers of the Tri-State have logged more than a few miles on the course. Swings have become more balanced and consistent, trash has been talked, beer has been drunk, and skin has been bronzed or burned. It is prime time for golf. However, not many golfers stop to think about who maintains the courses or who makes sure ice is available for coolers. With personal experience behind the scenes of a golf course and knowledge of the tedious, particular work which goes into it a little insight is on hand to make sure a pleasant time is had by all. These people take pride in providing the best golfing experience possible but if this investment isn’t reciprocated by respect and gratitude heads will roll, if not physically than verbally. Here is how to stay in their good graces. Happy rounds!

I know it’s tempting but keep the damn cart on the path. Unless we tell you otherwise.

If you repair your own ball marks and divots you would be on the forefront the spinal injury prevention. Who doesn’t want to be philanthropic?

When you return your cart after you are done with it, make an attempt to clean up after yourself.

Keep losing golf balls, we make a killing finding these and reselling them!

Be kind to the all grass on the course. Have you ever lifted and placed a 50 pound roll of sod and had to place it in a specific location in 100 degree heat? If it doesn’t sound like much fun, it’s because it’s not. 

Please no jokes about the ball cleaners. We’ve heard them all.

Keep bragging about your “game” to a minimum. Modesty is the best policy and it is hell of a lot less irritating too. To all those disillusioned golfers thinking it makes them more macho, well, sorry, it just makes you more of a douche bag.

Personal bunker etiquette is a must! Spending too much time in these is similar to being in a tin foil oven filled with sand. The less time we spend inside these convection killers the better.

Show up on time for your tee time or let us know if you are running late. It just helps the day run smoother.

If wildlife interferes with your game please let us know before you do something brash.

The pretty lady attending the beverage cart doesn’t care how big your “driver” is.

No matter how important beer is to have on the golf course, a beer bong is never an appropriate addition to your golf bag. Trashy is putting it lightly.

It is not our responsibility to find your $500 sunglasses you lost on the course. We didn’t lose them, you did.

We all understand that golf can be an extremely frustrating game but we ask you please to fight the urge to hammer-throw your club so that it becomes a dangerous projectile to other golfers. Also, if you take a chunk out of the fairway in anger with the head of your club we will take a chunk out of you.

We try our hardest to provide options for when nature calls and when you have to go you have to go just keep in mind there might be kids around. If one of these kids sees your junk we will direct the child’s disgruntled mother right in your direction. This goes for ladies too.

If you make target practice out of whomever is driving the ball collector know that he or she has access to your food and beverages. He or she also is secretly constructing schematics for a golf ball cannon which is side-mounted on the ball collector to send a few zingers right back at you.

Do us and other golfers a huge favor and preserve the beauty and tranquility of the golf course by not littering. I’m sure you wouldn’t like it very much if a Twinkie wrapper or cigarette butt interfered with your pin shot. No sir, not one bit (See #14).