In attempt to see your kid shatter his little league’s single season home run record, you demand he grow his hair into a mullet, stick him with “the juice” and refer to him only as “Jose.”
TW: You’ve created your very own Bash Brother... with a tiny head and math homework!
Taurus
April 20-May 20
Looking to end your oppression as a daily wage slave, you decide to launch a series of children’s books. Quick tip: make sure to omit any discussion of genitals, unless they talk and have wacky adventures.
TW: Perhaps a steroid abusing orange tyrannosaurus rex as the main character?
Leo
July 23-August 22
Looking forward to the upcoming NFL season? Cool your jets armchair quarterback, because the league folds due to an overwhelming majority of rough-neck players shooting each other with unregistered hand guns, confining overzealous touchdown celebrations to dank concrete cells in the pokey.
TW: With talented quarterback Michael Vick soon to be released, only to be reincarcerated again, he’ll pioneer the push for a new professional prison football league.
June 21-July 22
Lysol is not an adequate substitute for cologne; get it through your head. It is only used to cover up the smell of carpet messes and vomit; it will not attract potential mates.
TW: Axe yourself, but be sparse, or you’ll induce nausea amongst those around you.
Virgo
August 23-September 22
Automakers continue to struggle, soon making the motorized vehicle obsolete. Environmentalists won’t stop throwing rocks and blunt objects at people putting around on scooters, insisting on the use of pedal-powered bicycles only. The obese population shudders and seeks solace at local fast food establishments.
TW: To save the earth or be fat... the ultimate struggle. Ch-choo-choose wisely.
Aquarius
January 20-February 18
More and more people come clean about feelings of favor for worst rock band in the world, Nickelback. Your faith in humanity continues to diminish, making hope a foreign concept.
TW: Thanks for the surprise and disappointing blow, Ashley Sollars.
Pisces
February 19-March 20
You walk into the kitchen of a strange house to meet a new “friend” and out pops Chris Hansen, flanked by cameramen and boom mics. Put any football talent to use in the soon to be formed professional prison football league.
TW: Your weeks are pretty much over, pal.
Aries
March 21-April 19
After viewing recent acts of filmed grossness on the Internet courtesy of morally bankrupt Domino’s employees, think twice about continuing your ritual of Domino’s Wednesday Night Extravaganza Pizza Feasts, or something wretched might come steaming up to your door.
TW: The damage is done, Domino’s pizza lover. Looks like a comeback for Little Caesar’s!
Libra
September 23-October 22
The streets are filled with scum, and you decide to take justice into your own hands, Magnum P.I. style. Grow the mustache, throw on some thigh-baring shorts and pull the Hawaiian print shirt out of the closet, because it’s time to cleanse the streets!
TW: You get shot four times trying to apprehend your first perp outside of local drugstore, then arrested for impersonating an officer.
Capricorn
December 22-January 19
Nice going, you’ve locked your keys in your car, idiot. Rambo-punch the side window out and retrieve them. Then drive yourself to the hospital for stitches.
TW: Who needs windows; cut the whole top off... screw weather!
Cancer
June 21-July 22
Enjoy the sweet, prepubescent sounds of your favorite teeny-bopper’s new album. It’s actually three mediocre songs followed by 49 minutes of her giggling and playing tongue touch with Billy Ray while “Achey Brakey Heart” repeats in the background.
TW: You bought it, you deserve it. Next time, pick up a Radiohead album.
Scorpio
October 23-November 21
Rejoice IU basketball fans, for you will have nothing to root for next season! UK will be loaded, thanks to recent signing of mafia man, John Calipari, and his band of thugs following suit, all but ensuring a shot at the title, with only Chris Mack’s Xavier squad standing in the way.
TW: Go Xavier, I don’t care what you say.
Sagittarius
November 22-December 21
Cats should not eat Cadbury Eggs. Let this be a lesson.
TW: Peeps will not function as an acceptable substitute.
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